The Rules
If you’ve witnessed a game of tag lately, you know the drill. First, the kids start running, then they start calling out the rules. “No tag backs, no time outs, no base…”
They know what adults sometimes forget: it’s better to establish the rules up front in order to avoid problems later.
Fred and I established two marriage rules from the start.
Rule #1: You’d better not cheat on me.
Rule #2: See rule #1
You see, I may not have known much about how to build a good marriage, but I sure knew how to wreck one.
I can boil that insight down to a simple statement: if you don’t want to screw up your relationship, don’t screw around. The anger, bitterness and pain — emotional and sometimes physical — that result from infidelity made this rule a no-brainer.
Not that a marriage cannot be saved after an extramarital affair. It can be restored through prayer, counseling, and hard work. Now if I knew this as a naive 24-year-old newlywed, surely someone who has been divorced twice knows that the other woman (or man) is a monkey wrench that you don’t want thrown into your marriage bed.
Which is why I was shocked when comedienne turned Oscar-winning actress Mo’Nique recently told Barbara Walters that her third marriage was an open one, where adultery wasn’t a “deal breaker.” In fact, she said she didn’t even consider it cheating. I had to hit rewind on that one.
I realize not everyone is a Christian, and not everyone uses the Bible as a roadmap for their lives. But marriage is a God-ordained institution, and if you want to make it work, you need to play by His rules. Love, respect and faithfulness are not optional. They are the foundation on which any marriage should be built. If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone who’s divorced.
- Kim
Close the Door on Open Marriages
One of my favorite shows is Arrested Development. It is funny and quirky. Kinda like me.
In one episode, the main character’s sister and brother-in-law decide to have an “open marriage” to enhance their floundering marriage. The husband who was a psychologist said that he recommended this treatment to all of his patients who were having marital problems.
“How often did it work?” asked his wife.
“Never,” he said.
That is why I was shocked when Oscar winner Mo’Nique revealed that she and her husband had an “open marriage.”
During an interview with Barbara Walters, Mo’Nique said that she hasn’t had sex outside of her marriage, but she could if she wanted to.
My question is, “Why would you want to?”
Marriage should be the place where all of our physical and emotional needs are fulfilled. When you bring a third, fourth, or twelfth (i.e. Tiger Woods) person into your intimate space, things get complicated.
My wedding vows stated that I should forsake ALL others and that is the rule I live by. Do I still find other women attractive? Of course. Will I pursue these women? Absolutely not.
An open marriage is something that doesn’t jibe with me. Besides, I couldn’t bear the thought of my wife being intimate with another man. Feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and anger would probably drive me into a fit of rage.
But Mo’Nique did make a couple of points about “open marriage” that I do agree with:
#1 - Having sex outside the marriage is not necessarily a deal breaker. Although adultery is grounds for divorce, I would have to understand all of the circumstances that drove my wife into the arms of another man before I would seriously consider divorce.
#2 – An open marriage is one where there is honest communication. Talking through issues with your spouse is the best way to save your marriage. If you can do that in an open and honest way then your marriage has a greater chance of success.
It was this last point that saved the couple in Arrested Development. By the end of the show, they both realized that an open marriage was not what they needed. Instead, what they really needed was each other.
- Fred
Question: What are your thoughts on open marriages?
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