The Rules
If you’ve witnessed a game of tag lately, you know the drill. First, the kids start running, then they start calling out the rules. “No tag backs, no time outs, no base…”
They know what adults sometimes forget: it’s better to establish the rules up front in order to avoid problems later.
Fred and I established two marriage rules from the start.
Rule #1: You’d better not cheat on me.
Rule #2: See rule #1
You see, I may not have known much about how to build a good marriage, but I sure knew how to wreck one.
I can boil that insight down to a simple statement: if you don’t want to screw up your relationship, don’t screw around. The anger, bitterness and pain — emotional and sometimes physical — that result from infidelity made this rule a no-brainer.
Not that a marriage cannot be saved after an extramarital affair. It can be restored through prayer, counseling, and hard work. Now if I knew this as a naive 24-year-old newlywed, surely someone who has been divorced twice knows that the other woman (or man) is a monkey wrench that you don’t want thrown into your marriage bed.
Which is why I was shocked when comedienne turned Oscar-winning actress Mo’Nique recently told Barbara Walters that her third marriage was an open one, where adultery wasn’t a “deal breaker.” In fact, she said she didn’t even consider it cheating. I had to hit rewind on that one.
I realize not everyone is a Christian, and not everyone uses the Bible as a roadmap for their lives. But marriage is a God-ordained institution, and if you want to make it work, you need to play by His rules. Love, respect and faithfulness are not optional. They are the foundation on which any marriage should be built. If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone who’s divorced.
- Kim
Close the Door on Open Marriages
One of my favorite shows is Arrested Development. It is funny and quirky. Kinda like me.
In one episode, the main character’s sister and brother-in-law decide to have an “open marriage” to enhance their floundering marriage. The husband who was a psychologist said that he recommended this treatment to all of his patients who were having marital problems.
“How often did it work?” asked his wife.
“Never,” he said.
That is why I was shocked when Oscar winner Mo’Nique revealed that she and her husband had an “open marriage.”
During an interview with Barbara Walters, Mo’Nique said that she hasn’t had sex outside of her marriage, but she could if she wanted to.
My question is, “Why would you want to?”
Marriage should be the place where all of our physical and emotional needs are fulfilled. When you bring a third, fourth, or twelfth (i.e. Tiger Woods) person into your intimate space, things get complicated.
My wedding vows stated that I should forsake ALL others and that is the rule I live by. Do I still find other women attractive? Of course. Will I pursue these women? Absolutely not.
An open marriage is something that doesn’t jibe with me. Besides, I couldn’t bear the thought of my wife being intimate with another man. Feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and anger would probably drive me into a fit of rage.
But Mo’Nique did make a couple of points about “open marriage” that I do agree with:
#1 - Having sex outside the marriage is not necessarily a deal breaker. Although adultery is grounds for divorce, I would have to understand all of the circumstances that drove my wife into the arms of another man before I would seriously consider divorce.
#2 – An open marriage is one where there is honest communication. Talking through issues with your spouse is the best way to save your marriage. If you can do that in an open and honest way then your marriage has a greater chance of success.
It was this last point that saved the couple in Arrested Development. By the end of the show, they both realized that an open marriage was not what they needed. Instead, what they really needed was each other.
- Fred
Question: What are your thoughts on open marriages?
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The term Open Marriage is an oxymoron. These words directly contradict each other. There is no such thing. The openness invalidates the marriage of everything other than a legal contract. In making that kind of an agreement with someone, you are telling them ‘I will not commit my entire self to a life with you’. It’s a cowardly act of selfishness that has nothing to do with marriage vows.
WeaselMomma´s last blog ..Meet Greta Van Susteren
Thank you for addressing this often unspoken but very real topic. I want to especially commend Fred on conceding what may seem a contradiction…that we have to be honest about both our attractions and our spouses’ possible failures before they happen. Anyone that thinks the Bible does not deal with staying with an unfaithful spouse has never read Hosea. I’m sure they’ll be much more discussion on this now that it’s becoming more of a story, and that provides more opportunity for discussion of what really makes a marriage a marriage. That can be a good thing in this day and age. Thanks you two.
Allen´s last blog ..Over the Fence
What are my thoughts on “open marriage”? It doesn’t even cross my mind as an option! *hehe* I don’t have much more to say than that. I am very excited about this blog and what you guys are doing and putting together. I’m looking forward to more.
Fred Campos / @FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..03/09/10 It’s the Schedule Baby!
As far as marriage is concerned I believe different strokes for different folks. People create the parameters of their marriage based on what suits their unique needs. For some the deal breaker is the amount or lack thereof of a spouse’s income, for others it’s leaving the the toilet seat up or down, or perhaps the inequitable distribution of household responsibilities. Christianity or any other relgious doctrine does not define or determine the legitimacy and end of a marriage the state does, via a marriage license or a divorce decree, so the Bible or any other religous texts holds value only for those who choose to honor those teachings ( You can have a marriage ceremony in a temple, mosque, church or court house, but until you sign those papers your marriage is not recognized as legal). As for Mo’Nique’s revelation I think she is a little too open with her communication to be truly confident in her open marriage. If your marriage is really all that open does everyone need to know? But then I did not see the interview so I would have to view it in context.
First let me say, love the blogging together. This is going to be fun to see each point of view. Now for the matter at hand. Open Marriage, not an option here. I don’t get it, and I don’t understand it. I mean really, do you bring the outside person into your house and into your bed or do you go to a hotel and then come home and say, “Work was great, stopped and picked up some bread and oh yeah, by the way, saw this fine honey so we got a room and…..”. I mean really. Why get married?
It just seems there is no sanctity when it comes to honoring marriage vows. I wonder if it is generational thinking where people assume this is the way it should be. I too agree with the idea of an open relationship in the sense of sharing everything with “your partner”. If you are fully emotionally invested in your marriage there should be no desire for another person.
Why would you want to have sex outside of your marriage??
I don’t know maybe because your husband never tells you you’re pretty and doesn’t seem even the least bit attracted to you and yet when you go out men fall at your feet with promises of chocolates and roses if you go home with them?? Maybe that’s why!
Not that I would know.
Mama Kat´s last blog ..Writer’s Workshop: Crash
@MamaKat The problem with going home with the guy (or woman) who offers flattery and promises of rainbows is that the other man (or woman) rarely deliver beyond that initial conquest. For one night of (possible) enjoyment your marriage is ruined, and the question becomes was it worth it? From what friends and family members have said, the grass is rarely greener on the other side.
@Mama Kat Many people cheat because they don’t feel appreciated at home. That is why it is important to for both spouses to speak up when they feel neglected. Sometimes the neglect is unintentional. If that’s the case, the situation can be resolved rather easily. However, if the neglect is intentional, there are deeper issues in the marriage that probably need to be dealt with through counseling. Kim and I had a period in our marriage where neither of us felt appreciated. We allowed the problem to fester rather than deal with it at the first sign. Counseling helped us.
mochadad´s last blog ..Demi Lovato and The Jonas Brothers: A Concert Review From a Dad’s Perspective
TROUBLE!
NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT.
tanyetta´s last blog ..Sweet Baby Gracen! Happy 10 months!!
Even before reading WeaselMomma’s first word in her reply below, her first sentence is my primary response “The term Open Marriage is an oxymoron.” That being said, I’d like to add one more summarizing question: “Why bother?”
The End (and that’s just how it will end up….sooner or later).
Fresh´s last blog ..The Sunday Soundtrack – Cupid’s Hunt 2010 (Love Makes Me An Instrument – It Tunes Me Up!)
I think that it is just silly that a person would want to be “married” and then be “open.” It makes no sense because if you wanted to be with more than one person, why get married? Do what you want and not have to worry about anything.
I think that in this time and age that we are living in it is just NASTY to be sharing yourself with more than one person. So many lives are being put in jeopardy.
ParlinMom´s last blog ..let children be children…
Are they friends or are they married? I don’t agree with open marriages. I agree with Kim 100%: “….marriage is a God-ordained institution, and if you want to make it work, you need to play by His rules.”
Ronnie_BMWK´s last blog ..Former NBA Star Allan Houston Talks About The Importance of Marriage
I’ve never been married and I rarely date. However, just hearing the phrase open marriage is ridiculous. Anyone who wants to sleep around…should…but leave that out of marriages. Why bother getting married then? Tax credit? Lower car insurance? I don’t understand the point of getting married only to be sexually involved with other partners. If both partners are ok with this (I doubt it…I KNOW of women who CLAIM they are ok with it and are hurting deeply but say they are ok in order to keep their husband around since he will pursue the relationship in this “open” manner) then I guess they should proceed as consenting adults. However, that type of relationship seems to hurt feelings and is a major health risk in this day and age.
Trudy´s last blog ..my obsession with silence
I can’t say what works for other people and I wouldn’t presume to judge… but I can say that an “open” marriage wouldn’t work for me because I don’t want to date or to share my partner.
That said… what I can see as a good concept to bring from the “open” marriage ideal is the concept that marriage doesn’t equate to ownership. I think people often compare marriage to being “locked down” because we seem to have a societal idea that when you marry someone, you “own” them. (hmm… probably from the days when a husband basically married a woman to get legal right to what she could potentially inherit from her father and to gain her dowery?) This often unconscious idea, I believe, creates some of the issues many of us experience in our marriages… especially around the feeling of being unappreciated. In the “open” marriage concept, theoretically, you know going in, that your spouse is making a choice each and every day to be faithful (monogamous) and that you are doing the same. It’s a very conscious decision and one that I imagine each person would appreciate more because they KNOW based on the agreed upon terms of their marriage, that the spouse has the right to make another choice.
Honestly, that choice is always available, even in marriages where it’s not an implicit agreement. Those of us in more traditional forms of marriage generally forget this and when we forget this, it can sometimes lead to those actions that make our spouses feel unvalued… ya know, when you come home from a long day at work and snap at the husband and kids in a way you would NEVER snap at the strangers at your job? Or when you never acknowledge or compliment their strengths because you “already chose them and they should know what that means.” Perhaps the idea of having an “open” marriage is one way these couples combat that idea that you no longer have to put your “best foot” forward for your spouse (the way you did when you were dating and not so “certain” they would never choose to go some where else).
Just a thought.
Shauntelle´s last blog ..You made it to the other side…
I don’t believe in open marriage for myself or my husband! I believe if you truly love your spouse then there is no need to go outside of your marriage!
Natalie A.´s last blog ..Me Time: Positive Day- Positive Night CD Review + Giveaway
I do not agree with open marriages. I believe marriage was given to us by God and was not meant as just a way to share a home and some bills with one and your bed with many.
If a person does not want to devote themself to another person heart, mind and body then they shouldn’t get married.
I too told my now hubby that the fastest way to lose me was to cheat. I have 2 deal breakers for marriage: they are abuse of myself or the kids and cheating.
I do agree with Fred, I would have to take in to consideration what sent my spouse to another woman in the first place. But it would still be very very difficult to overcome and move on.
Great post!
Amber ´s last blog ..This weeks Sweet Something
Great post! I’m not feelin’ the open marriage thing either. I just don’t believe that’s what “marriage” is about. You both said it well. Kudos on starting such a great blog and conversation!
Winks & Smiles,
Wifey
Wifey´s last blog ..Pomaritas Anyone?
Wow…I wish I would have read this article before writing my own. What’s refreshing about it is the balanced viewpoint between husband and wife. That’s beautiful!
At any rate, I agree…open marriage is, as I stated in my article, the “the greatest oxymoron known to man.”
After reading the comments here and in the article on BMWK, I’ve come to the following conclusion: the main issue is about right and wrong, and how others perceive it. If my viewpoint is based on moral absolutes (solid, concrete views of what is right and what is wrong), then open marriages are inevitably going to be a no-no. However, if my viewpoint is based on moral relativism (what’s wrong for one person may not be wrong for another), then no boundaries in what so-called Bible thumpers (that would be me) call a God-ordained institution are necessary.
Moral relativism contains too many confusing and immoral options, in my opinion. Pedophilia turns into “transgenerational relationships,” and adultery turns into “open marriage.” All these euphemisms…let me and my husband just keep it simple by doing marriage the way God ordained it. LOL
Personally, I just don’t “get” open marriage. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. It is so hard to trust anyone in the first place, it took me 1 year of friendship with my now dh before we even started to date! I couldn’t imagine building that kind of trust with anyone else.
I guess that everybody has different “deal breakers”, and for some, like me, it is cheating.
Though I suppose if it was “open” that would mean that both parties would agree before hand that seeking others for physical or emotional purposes is acceptable.
To each his own…but for me, I am a one on one kind of person.
I agree with the first commenter that open and marriage do not go together. The whole reason for marriage is exclusivity. What would be the point of getting married if you live like you’re not. Please!
Fruitfulvine2´s last blog ..Tips for Wives – Laugh More
An open marriage isn't an option for me. It makes my blood boil to even think about something like that. It also saddened me when Monique said it…. because, in my heart, I didn't believe that she really wanted that.
Great points made by both of you!
I LOVE my open marriage. We've been married 14 years and opened at year 12. It's been beautiful. xo I write about it here http://jujumamablog.com Love and Light! xoxo It's difficult to share thoughts on open marriage if A. You're not married B. You have haven't been married 10 + years C. You have never been in an open marriage.
JujuMama
Thank you for your perspective. I'm interested to know at what point in your marriage did you decide to have an open marriage and what prompted your decision?
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