Building a Forever Marriage
Despite two layers of clothes, a sleeping bag and blanket, I was still cold on my recent Girl Scout camping trip. Yet those frigid conditions weren’t what kept me awake, instead it was a conversation I had with my cabin mate.
While making small talk that night, she shared that she’s been married for 29 years. She and her husband were high school sweethearts who got married during their freshmen year in college (and it wasn’t a shotgun wedding).
How could this be?
I was taught – and had started teaching my kids — that the quickest way to wind up unhappy in your marriage was to get married young. My folks drilled into my sister and me the importance of independence through college and a job first, and marriage second. (According to a recent Houston Chronicle article, my family wasn’t alone in teaching this value).
Yet this woman, who still tenderly refers to her husband as her best friend and who says she’s never gone a day without talking to him (which is a feat considering he is frequently overseas on mission trips) is living proof that happily ever after is possible for teen brides and grooms.
After more discussion with my camping buddy, I discovered how she found happiness in her marriage: she had some good examples to follow. In her family, happily married couples were the rule not the exception.
Her parents have been married for decades and her in-laws married the day after they graduated from high school and are still married today. Through their lives they demonstrated the importance of faith, marriage and family above all else.
So in the future I won’t be preaching marrying age to my kids, instead I’ll focus on having the kind of quality, forever marriage they can emulate.
- Kim
A Tradition of Marriage
While driving my daughter and her friend on a recent outing, Kim mostly ignored the conversation until the little girl said, “In my family, it is a tradition for dads to leave when the baby is 3-months old.” The little girl’s grandparents were divorced, and her statement made it clear that divorce was as common as childbirth in her family.
I was flabbergasted and saddened when Kim conveyed this story to me. What a terrible tradition to pass on to each generation. The more I thought about what the little girl said, the more I realized that my family also had a tradition of divorce.
My parents divorced when I was around four or five. Over the years, I watched several of my aunts’ and uncles’ marriages dissolve.
Kim’s family experienced the same divorce rates. We knew we had to break that tradition.
First, we made a commitment to never divorce. That one was easier said than done. We have been on the brink of divorce, but we managed to resolve our issues through counseling, prayer, and communication.
We also seek other married couples for encouragement, inspiration, and support. There is a couple that attends church with us that has been married for 29 years. What’s more impressive is that both sets of their parents have been married for over 50 years. For their family, staying married is a tradition.
In addition, the longest married living couple is an African-American couple that has been together for 85 years. I only mention their race because they defy the statistics on black marriages.
These couples give Kim and I hope that it is possible to end the tradition of divorce and start a new tradition of lifetime commitment.
- Fred
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I got married when I was 20. I would never recommend anyone to do that. Thank God it worked out for us. We teach the importance of marrying for life. Both sides of the family have a high divorce rate as well as a whole lotta baby mama business. We have a “no divorce” policy in our marriage. We surround ourselves with positive, like-minded people. It’s sad how many people get married and it does not last. We too have chosen to break the cycle in our family. Great post guys
@Sheliza What were some some of the difficulties you faced as a young married couple?
mochadad´s last blog ..Parenting By the Book or By Instinct
We faced such hardship financially as well as emotionally. One thing I have learned as a woman is that men have to be allowed to be men. As woman, we grow up imagining how our life will be—-husband, children, house and the overall illusion of what we think is the dream life. With men, they don’t think that way, especially not when they are in their early twenties. My husband was a signed rap artist at the age of 17. When you are that age, the only thing that seems to matter is money, hoes and clothes. This put a great burden on our relationship and it was the hardest first couple of years being married so young. We moved from wild and fast Miami, Florida to slow and country Columbia, SC to start our lives over. Had we stayed in Miami, we would not be the successful unit we have grown into. One thing I do know is that I have a very old-fashioned way of thinking and divorce is not an option for me. We hung in there and thankfully we are very happy and have a great communication amongst ourselves. We both have very strong beliefs that marriage is a contributing factor to raising children in these times. So few of us look at it this way. Our daughters have even told us that they hope they can find the same type of relationship that we both have…except their husband better not act the fool as much as their dad
Sheliza´s last blog ..Brie, artist and photographer
I think that’s a great distinction to make–what to build a marriage on rather than an age. People can get married at any age and it may or may not work. But if the foundation and attitude is right, a young, unlikely marriage can be strong and lasting. Great insights!
Wow…I sooo loved this post by both of you. I’m just touched by your commitment. I endeavor to have that same strength when I get married. My parents just celebrated their 41st anniversary this week and staying together is something I’d love to emulate – and I was a personal witness to how challenging that can be sometimes. I feel the same way as Kim about teaching my daughter about the type of relationship and partner she should strive for instead of when to get married. Its important to be able to recognize and appreciate those values that make a marriage work. I’m on that path, as evidence by my mentee, Howardite Charreah Jackson, featuring me and my sweetie today on her blog that celebrates black love, Love Jones Lane, http://www.lovejoneslane.com/black-love-story-better-the-second-time-around. She’s showcasing the positivity of Black Love and you guys are educating how to keep that love strong. I’m loving my creative and empowering circle right now. Thanks for the inspiration!
Enjoyceinglife´s last blog ..Share & Preserve Our Stories Through StoryCorps
GREAT POST! Thank You!! Thank YOU!!!!
tanyetta´s last blog ..1000 kisses from Daddy is never enough!
I too come from a family with many divorces. One set of grandparents did stay together until death. My husband and I have also been days away from calling it quits. But we both truly believed the vows we took on our wedding day and were not ready to give up. We married just a month after my 20th b-day. I don’t reget it a bit. The age one gets married I think should depend on each individual. I happend to really be “ready”, or as ready as one can be, to marry the man I had been with for three years and knew I truly loved. The most important thing we try to show our kids (still young) is that a married couple needs “adult” time and time to spend as a couple not just parents. And that even with disagreements or arguments, we still love each other and will try to work out our differences. Our marriage is what our kids will be looking for in a relationship themselves. So we try to really have the relationship we would want our kids to have with another. So far it’s doing good, we are happy and our kids are thriving because of it.
Great post!!
Amber ´s last blog ..Still here…I think
Excellent insights…from both of you!
Kim, your piece particularly caught my attention because I married my husband at 19. We’re going on nine years this January and our love is stronger than ever. We’re the best of friends and I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. He completes me in so many ways and I am so grateful that we married young.
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I just wanted to thank you for your kind comments on my blog to day. I needed to hear that!
Thank You
Amber´s last blog ..Still here…I think
What a neat website! I actually told my girls that they should finish school, work on their career, and learn who they are before getting married. I also married very young, but after 16 years, I am still married. On the brink of divorce several times, however, we DECIDE to stay together. It is a choice. My oldest daughter is 18 years old and has been dating the same young man for almost 2 years and his parents married right out of high school as well as many of his family members and they are still together. He is programmed to be husband material. It is a scary time for me. I am not ready to give my daughter away, but I think my husband will be. I am not sure what is going through his mind. His girls are near and dear to his heart and I haven’t been able to communicate on that level with him yet. God bless you both!
What a wonderful post! My husband and I have been married 11 years and we got married when I was 23 and he was 22. We were the first of our friends to get married, and I’m sure many had doubts we would stay together. I come from a background of divorce…my parents have each been married 3 times. I have worked hard on my marriage, and I feel like my parents didn’t put enough effort in. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easily.
“So in the future I won’t be preaching marrying age to my kids, instead I’ll focus on having the kind of quality, forever marriage they can emulate.”
Kim, I totally agree with what you said. I think a strong and loving marriage between the parents is the best gift you can give your children–not material things, not video games and iPhones, etc. Kudos for teaching your children by example. That is the most effective way to learn, IMO. I think it’s great that you and Mocha Dad are so committed to teaching your children about commitment, faith and family.
My husband’s parents have been married for over 30 yrs whereas my parents divorced after 20+ yrs of marriage. My husband and I are aiming to have a marriage that is not only long lasting but happy. It’s been almost 9yrs and people still ask us how long we’ve been married(cause we seem like newlyweds). God has blessed us as we do what we’ve been learning to do through books and teachings.
Fruitfulvine2´s last blog ..Tips for Wives – Laugh More
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