Am I Responsible When Friends Divorce?

My Spider-Sense Wasn’t Tingling

I ran into a church acquaintance at a kid’s birthday party. We hadn’t seen each other in months. She explained why.

“I got a divorce.”

My stomach did a somersault.

I searched my memory for the last time I’d seen Cece. It was a Sunday morning months ago. I saw her with her husband holding hands at church. We’d talked about arranging a double date that never materialized.

Granted it was no secret that Cece and her hubby had problems. She’d mentioned in our moms group that they often argued about their in-laws and parenting styles. But they had a preschooler, so I chalked it up to baby strain and figured things would get better as their beautiful little girl Ashley got older.

I was wrong.

The demise of Cece’s marriage haunted me for days as I wondered if I could’ve done more. Perhaps if we had scheduled that double date she would’ve confided in me and I could’ve advised her, prayed for her, shared my testimony with her. Of course none of that may have made any difference. But I still blamed myself for not having a better spider-sense about their failing union.

And these days it’s so easy to get a divorce, and seemingly everything in our culture says it’s the one-size fits all solution to any problem. He cheated. Get a divorce. Can’t stand your in-laws. Get a divorce. She overspends. Get a divorce. He drinks too much. Get a divorce.

What responsibility do we, as couples who have been through the fire and survived it, have to push back against this mentality and help others save their marriages? Admittedly it’s difficult to know when people truly are in trouble since we’re all good at hiding our pain.

Still, I know I’ve got to do better for all of the Ceces and Ashleys in the world.

- Kim

Maybe Starbucks Could Have Saved His Marriage

I was shocked when Kim told me that a couple at our church had gotten a divorce. Although they weren’t close friends, they were acquaintances that we socialized with periodically.

During my last conversation with the husband, we discussed our love for technology and planned to hang out at local coffee shop to work on a few computer projects. Of course we never got together, and now I wonder if my meeting him for coffee could have helped to save his marriage.

It breaks my heart whenever I hear about couples who divorce. It’s a painful experience for all parties involved. Because of my personal experiences with divorce, I know that the anguish is real and long lasting.

When couples have problems, one of the mistakes they make is turning inward. They distance themselves from their friends and family and suffer through the problems in silence. Perhaps they feel embarrassed that they can’t resolve their marital issues or maybe they feel uncomfortable sharing “house business.”

Kim and I made this mistake the first time we had a serious marital problem. We thought that we could fix the issue ourselves. We were wrong. Although we patched it up for the moment, the anger and resentment still brewed beneath the surface. When the problem resurfaced, Kim was wise enough to get other people involved. She confided in a close friend and asked some of my friends to confront me because I never would’ve taken this step on my own. We also sought marital counseling. If not for these steps, Kim and I would have been divorced or living in an unfulfilling marriage for the children’s sake.

All couples need to understand that problems will arise in marriage. Although your first reaction is to circle the wagons and deal with the problem internally, you may want to consider seeking outside help. It definitely helped to save our marriage.

I only wish I could have told these things to our friends before their marriage was destroyed.

- Fred

Key Points

1. Understand that problems will arise in marriage. It’s part of the natural cycle.
2. Find a trusted same-sex friend that you can talk to.
3. Seek professional marital counseling.

Question: What role do we have in saving our friends’ marriages?

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